Reflection

What a journey this has been. I have felt like crying some days and some days I tell myself I have this, I can do this. I enjoy writing but it still doesn't come easy to me. I struggle with coming up with things to write about. I struggle with finding the right words to make it interesting. I want to succeed in school so much. I have so much riding on this. I want to make a better future for my family. English was the one subject that I didn't like the thought of taking. That and a communication class will be the worst for me. I am so terribly shy that it will probably kill me when I have to take that class. I feel that I have received a lot of information over the last eight weeks and that it will take a lot of time for me to still process it and learn how to use it. I am not sure I have grown that much as a writer in this little bit of time. I wish that is was easier for me to process. I love reading other peoples writing. I have noticed a change in some of my classmates writing that was quiet good. Blogging was an interesting part of this class. I found a couple of the other students blogs very interesting and liked to keep checking them frequently to see their writings. We had some very descriptive writers in the class. I enjoyed hearing about all the other parents that are striving for the same things as me in life. I did enjoy blogging about the days thoughts and what was going on in life. I have so much going on right now and tried not to talk about anything too personal. But it was nice to get it out there everyday. I have friends who blog about life regularly and they make it so vivid and keep you wanting to hear the next little story about their life and how things are in their cozy but chaotic life. One day I hope to write the same way. I might just keep the blogging going. It was fun. I am happy to finally be down to our last week. I am ready for a short break before the fall semester starts. My daughter just doesn't understand why mommy can't play all day. It makes me sad to tell her mommy will play later or hold on. But soon she and I will both be in school and I am so excited for her to start a new journey. She is my joy in life. It's been interesting is all I can say for sure about this class. I'm glad to have made it through with no breakdowns. Ok well just a few, but I made it. Thank you, Ms. A., for the experience.

Journal entry 21

July 19th

Things to do when you are bored. Well you can always read a great book or news article. You can clean your house from top to bottom. You can go for a walk or jog. You can go to a movie or watch a movie on tv. You can cook your favorite meal or dessert. You can go on a hike in the country. You can fly a kite on a windy day. You can go for a drive in the country. You can go shopping with your best friend. You can go roller skating. You can go ride go karts. You can go to an amusement park. You can rearrange your closets and drawers. You can take your dog for a walk. You can call an old friend. You can scrapbook. You can listen to your favorite music and dance along. You can go to the library. You can take a shower. You can garden or clean up your flower beds. You can go for a swim. You could go boating on the lake or canoeing on the river. You could bird watch. You could tye dye something. You could do pottery. You could paint a picture. You could paint your house. You could go horseback riding. You could write an old friend a letter. You could do laundry. You could write a song or write a poem. You could do homework. You could go to the park. You could make sock puppets for your kids. You could go camping. You could go out and do some photography. You could learn to play an instrument. You could learn to sew and make all your family something for christmas. The list is truly endless. You never really have to be bored.

Journal entry 20

My Wishlist

I wish for school to be over with
I wish for good grades this semester
I wish for my situation at home to get better
I wish for my daughter to have an easy transition into school
I wish for rain
I wish for good health
I wish for my daughter to be happy
I wish for my bills to go away
I wish for everyone in the world to get along
I wish for true love to come my way
I wish for fall to come soon
I wish for a good school year
I wish for my parents to realize how much I appreciate them
I wish for my nephew to start kindergarten with no issues
I wish for my daughter to always know how much she is loved
I wish for my my good friends to have a good life and be happy
I wish for God's hand in taking us through life's ups and downs
I wish for gas prices to go down
I wish for a colorful fall
I wish for peace in life
I wish for world peace
I wish for a good new book to read
I wish for a nice vacation in Colorado
I wish for a nap right now

Journal entry 19

July 18th

Birthdays

We have like my whole entire family's birthdays in July. Mine is the 5th of July, my mother's is the 21st, my brother's and my dad's are the 22nd, and my sister in laws is the 23rd. So we have a whole lot of celebrating to do this coming weekend. I'm sure we will all get together as a family and invite some friends over too and have a cookout and just enjoy each others company. Outside of just my brother and parents, my aunt had her birthday on the 2nd of July and my grandmother's is the 29th I believe. My daughter's other grandmother's birthday is the 31st. So there are a ton of July birthdays. I have always wondered if that is like some kind of sign that all of us have July birthdays. Maybe I am reading too much into it. My little ones daddy's birthday is on May 17th and his other daughter's birthday is May 2nd and his brother and his daughter's are on the exact same days (2nd and 17th) but in August. Isn't that kind of weird? I think so. So yes the rest of the summer for our family is filled with birthday celebrations.

Journal entry 18

July 18th

My daughter growing up way too fast. It is almost time for this summer semester to be done with and then we will be taking a few weeks break. I have to find a good school/daycare for her to attend this fall. I have made some changes in our living situation so we are in a tight spot. I need to do so much home work tomorrow but also need to call around and get stuff figured out for her school. This will be her first time in a daycare facility. I have stayed at home with her since she was born. That is what I always wanted to do as a mother. Have the means to stay at home and watch my daughter grow up and have all the love she needs. I would never have made it if I hadn't had that choice. I have always worked full time until I had her. Now that I took a few years off from work and took care of her, now it is time for me to go to school and get the education I need to make a more comfortable life for her and I. I am nervous about putting her in a daycare. I don't know what I would do if I found out they hurt her or were mean to her. I would come unglued. She is my everything. I want to make sure she is in the cleanest, safest, and friendliest enviornment possible. I will probably have a very hard first week once I start her. I hope she will tell me if anything is ever wrong. I just worry so much. She loves other children though, so I think she will do great. She loves making new friends. She is a very outgoing and happy young lady. We will get through all this together. Here's to new beginnings.

Journal entry 17

July 17th

Where I'd like to go if I could go on vacation righ now. Oh the endless possibilites. I would love to go out west to Colorado or Wyoming. I love the mountains and the landscape out there. I would love to get a cozy little cabin in the woods next to a roaring river and watch the wildlife wander through the yard. I have been snow skiing in Breckenridge Colorado once and we went out to see Mount Rushmore in South Dakota a few years back, on our way back we stayed in Estes Park, Colorado. It was gorgeous. That is where I would love to move my family to once I get my school done. I would love to go see the redwoods in California. That is amazing to me. I have got that on my list of places to go in my lifetime. I want to go and see Maine one day. I think it is beautiful country up there. I want to go to Louisiana and vacation in New Orleans one day. I would love to go somewhere on a quiet, white sandy beach right now, too. I love the tranquil feeling of being alone on the quiet beach with just the rushing sound of the waves coming up on shore. Watching the sunset. I want to go to the Smoky Mountains too. We went to Chattanooga, TN this spring and enjoyed some sight seeing. Oh there are too many places I would like to go. I would like to travel around the country and try all the awesome food I see on these food shows on tv. I love to travel and I could use a vacation right now. I know I just had one this spring but I'm in desperate need of another one right now. We never got to take vacations when I was a child because my parents worked too much. So now with my family, we try to do as much as possible with them so they have memories to look back on a cherish. I love seeing my daughter's eyes light up when she gets to do something new or see something new. It makes me so happy.

Journal entry 16

July 17th

I am so overwhelmed at the moment it isn't even funny. I feel like hiding in a dark hole somewhere until everything goes away. We are down to our last two weeks of class and all of a sudden I feel bombarded. My emotions are all over the place. I am struggling with my relationship and where to go for support and then having classes on top of that, it is getting to me. My daughter doesn't understand why I am always doing homework and sits and begs for my attention. I feel horrible but in the end it will all be better for her. I have chosen to make life changing decisions in my home life and I am wondering if maybe I shouldn't have done that. I don't know when or where I will get all the answers to life but hopefully it will come to me soon. I have an algebra test tomorrow morning. I am not too worried about that. I have done very well in that class. I just took a look at our english lesson for this week and am about to cry. I am sure it won't be as bad as I feel it is but I just have too much on my plate right now. I'm not quiet done with my essay due Thursday. I have a little more to add on and the whole situation with adding sources is confusing to me. It will all be ok in the end though. I just know it will.

Journal entry 15

July 15th

Does anyone else love the movies from the 80's? I sometimes wonder if it's just because I grew up in the 80's or if they really are some of the best movies. I love movies like "The Goonies", "Beetlejuice", "Stand by Me", "Lost Boys", any Indiana Jones movie, or Crocodile Dundee movie. I love these movies and could watch them over and over again. I love music from the 80's too. I guess really I just enjoy hearing and seeing these things that make me remember all my childhood. I had a pretty good childhood. We ran around outside in the woods or rode four wheelers til my mom came out on the front porch with a dinner bell and rang it. We ran around down at the creek or river all summer while growing up while our parents ran the canoe rental they owned. We didn't really get family vacations but we still had a good time. Times have changed though. The way we got to run around outside for hours on end as children is not the way we raise our children. We are so worried about them doing anything without us being right there to make sure they don't get hurt or nobody kidnaps them. Maybe we are too overprotective. I don't really mind though. It's better to be safe than sorry. I hope everyone has great memories of growing up and that little things like a movie we see again or a song we hear on the radio, can bring all those memories rushing back.

Journal entry 14

July 15

Yesterday I ended up going to my brother's house to visit and they were already having dinner for his wife's side of the family so my daughter and I stayed and enjoyed the evening with them. We ate dinner and all the kids played and had a great time. We relaxed after dinner then me and my sister in law took our run. I got in about two miles. I was worn out and it was getting too dark to run. I still have a huge fear of running on any rural roads because of dogs. Getting attacked by a dog is not something I want to ever do again. After running the kids went and played and all us adults watched a movie. It was too late for me by the time it was over. Today I got up and got us around and we came to spend the day with my daughter's father and her sister. We went to Silver Dollar City. We haven't gone much this year due to the heat, but it wasn't too bad today. We got our little one measured for the rides and found out she finally reached the big "36 inch" mark. We have been waiting for this day to come. She got to finally ride more than just 2 rides. She loved it! It was a nice afternoon for all of us. We went and picked up dinner from the grocery store and came to his house and cooked. Now the girls are playing in the play room. We will probably be headed home soon. I have class in the morning. We have had a pretty good weekend.

Jounrnal entry 13 RAIN

Oh what a great Saturday it is. It is storming outside my window at the moment. I love it! Thunder and lightening filling the sky. Rain pouring down out of the clouds. Very nice indeed. We need more rain for sure. I know this is a topic we have all probably gone over, how dry and hot it is and how we need rain. I am happy to get to spend this day relaxing at home with my daughter and doing a little homework while we listen to it rain. Hopefully this rain fills up the creeks around here and the river. We love going to the river and creek to swim but lately there hasn't been much water to swim in. We haven't gotten to enjoy floating on the river much this year either. My family has the outdoors and floating the river in there blood. It is a big part of our summer lives. But this year it came to an end pretty early. Maybe tomorrow I can take my daughter and take a nice hike near the river and see the water flowing. Today will be spent relaxing and reading a book while it rains. Oh the joys of summer. Summer will be over too soon.

Journal entry 12

July 12th

Things I am thankful for: I am thankful for my daughter. Without her I don't know where I would really be. I am thankful for my parents. They have always been there for me through every up and down situation I have ever experienced. They always give me that support and advice that I need at the moment. I am thankful for my brother and his family. He would drop anything and help if I needed him. I didn't always show him how much I appreciate and love him, but do now that we are older and have our own family's. I am thankful for my health. I have always been healthy and so has my family. I am very thankful for that. I am thankful for my daughter's daddy. We may have some of our own issues right now but that doesn't change the fact that he is a wonderful father to his children. I am thankful for my step daughter. She is the sweetest little girl ever. She has been the best big sister a child could ever ask for. She is like a little second momma for the little one. There is an eight year age difference, so she is a great help. I am thankful for the chance to get to go back to school and get an education. Thankful that I have a support system behind me to help me get through school. I am thankful for my friends that I have made over the years and have always been there for me. I am thankful for my aunt that is always there for me. She has listened to me and all my problems over the years and always gives me the best advice. I always like to hear her opinion and feel that she is probably always right whether I want to admit it at the time or not. I am thankful for the area we get to live in and raise our family. I love the Ozarks. It really is a beautiful area. There are so many things to be thankful for. This is a small list of some of what I am thankful for in life.

Journal entry 11

July 11

Summertime this year has been quiet hectic. I started school after being out of high school for 13 years now and for the last 3 years have only worked a little while being a stay at home mom. I have been a bit overwhelmed with the online class but otherwise I have enjoyed starting classes. The kids have been trying to stay cool so far. We go to the pool a couple of times a week. We usually try to go to Silver Dollar City a lot but it has been so hot, we haven't made it but one time. Molly the older one has softball games once during week and one or two days on weekend. And practice for 2 hours once a week. That is a lot of our summer. This is her third year with the same ball team though and they are a great team. Both girls have dance on Monday afternoons. The older one is in intermediate hip hop and my little one is in preschool dance. It is just her and one other little boy. They are so cute. I can't wait til she gets to be in her first recital. Here soon the older one gets to start summer camp for two weeks. She loves that part of her summer. This will be her fifth year at summer camp. They have so much fun, meeting new friends and learning more about God in there lives. Before we know we will be done with these summer classes and have a short break then get right back into it for the fall semester. I am nervous and excited all in one. The girls will be starting back to school. This will be my little ones first time in daycare. She is so eager to start and make new friends. I am happy for her to start and begin that adventure. Summer always goes by too fast. Never enough time to get all the little things you want to do, done. Maybe after a full year in school this year I will take next summer off from school and enjoy the summer break with the kids.

Journal entry 10

July 11th

I recently got attacked by a dog while running my daily run. I had been running 1.4 miles for a month or a little longer from our driveway down the road and around this little neighborhood then back. My sister in law had got me started running because she was trying to lose a significant amount of weight and wanted a running partner. So the Friday before I got attacked my step daughter and I had gone on our run/ bike ride and a dog had kind of come at us growling but didn't attack. We got around to the next corner of the neighborhood and a gentleman was standing out and asked if we had ever gotten attacked by a dog over on other side of  neighborhood. He said his granddaughter had gotten attacked that day and he had called the sheriff's department. So we kept on running with no problems. The following day my sister in-law, stepdaughter, and myself went running and the dog came out and barked and growled more. We managed to avoid anything serious happening. The next day my stepdaughter and I went again, just the two of us and this time the dog decided to meet me head on in the road and attack. I don't know if any of you have ever been attacked by a dog but it was not very exciting at all. He was a blue heeler and was a stray dog that had been staying out front of this house for the last 5 days. He bit my left thigh and my left hand. I was screaming and my stepdaughter was on her bike crying and frantic. He bit me the one time and backed off and went back to that house. I went to the next door neighbors house and we had a cell phone with us. We had to call 911. I was dripping blood everywhere. The ambulance came and took me to the hospital. I got 4 stitches in my left hand and my leg just required some cleaning. Animal control and the sheriff's department came out and they had to kill the dog. They had him sent off and thank goodness he had no diseases of any sort. I am now scared to death to run anywhere there might be any dogs around. I cannot run in neighborhoods. I don't even want to take the chance. I have pepper spray now. It overall was not a good experience.

Journal entry 9- Things I would like to learn

I would love to learn to cook better. I have never been a very good cook. I grew up in a house where my mother loved to cook and my grandmothers both loved to cook, but somewhere down the line I failed to take up cooking. I can cook simple meals but nothing elaborate. I would also love to learn to play the guitar. I love music so much and it is such a big part in my life. I did take guitar lessons like twelve years ago but never followed through with it. I like the banjo too. That would be great to learn to play. I would love to learn to sew. I always see cute little dresses that would be so cute for my daughter and think wouldn't that be great to just make anything I wanted for her. I would love to take up quilting too. My mother has been quilting the past few years and I love the quilts she makes. She is in the process of making me one. I can't wait to have it for my home and hold on to it to pass down to my daughter and her family. I would love to learn to write. I do love reading someones writing that really puts you right there in the story and makes you feel what they feel. I have a friend that blogs and I am always envious of her writing. I hope one day I will be able to do that with my writing. I thought I would take away more from this class about writing but for some reason I see all the tips for writing and I fail to use them. I need to work on this. So those are a few of the things I would like to learn to do at some point in my life. I guess I better get on these tasks soon.

Journal entry 8-What makes me happy

July 7th

What makes me happy? I would have to say that the number one thing that makes me happy is my daughter. She is such a sweetheart. I am so proud of her. She is beautiful, sweet, smart, caring, forgiving, and so so much more. We tried for so long to have a child and I think God was holding out on us until he knew we were in the right place in our lives. Watching her grow makes me happy. Reading a good book makes me happy. To her away from everything in the outside world for a while and get caught up in a good book. That has always been my escape. Taking long hikes in the fall makes me happy. I love seeing all the gorgeous colors. The reds, oranges, and yellows that are so bright. Watching a good movie makes me happy. Eating good food makes me happy. I love to eat. I watch Man vs. Food all the time and wish I could go all over the country and try all the great food ther is out there. Watching that show makes my belly hungry and my mouth water. Being with my family makes me happy. I love hanging out and visiting with family. I have been living away from my family and living next door to my fiance's family for the last 7 years and I have missed my friends and family. Family can always make me smile and feel better about things. I love long drives in the country too. Taking long drives and going out to the Buffalo river down in Arkansas is something I really enjoy. Getting the chance to finally get an education makes me very happy. I have been putting this off for years. I finally after starting my family and getting to the right place in my mind, am ready for this. I can't wait to work hard and get through school and be able to have my family be so proud of me. I know they are already proud of me but this will mean so much more for our future.

Journal entry 7

Rain!!! It is getting dark and windy out and hopefully we will be seeing a downpour here soon. I love storms! I love the dark dark skies and the wind blowing the smell of rain this way. We need this so bad. The poor grass is dry and crunchy under our feet when walking. I could take a little nap this evening if it rains. I have been sitting her all day long doing reading and homework for school. The Writers Workbench reading was a lot to take in. I should have started it days ago. I have been so busy this past week with school and the kids and the holiday. I have been getting myself a little worked up on getting through this online class. I am not so sure that I will ever take another online class if I can avoid it. I think the fact that it is a summer class as well, doesn't help. So much information and work in eight weeks. Oh there is the rain. So nice to finally get some. I might have to go curl up on the couch and read my new book. I haven't gotten much reading in this summer. Not any casual reading anyways. Reading for school, I've done plenty. I love reading for pleasure though and would like to make more time for it. So with the end of this day coming up I think that is what I will do. Curl up with a book.

Journal entry 6

July 5th

Going on a dinner date tonight. We are in the middle of a lot of ups and downs in our relationship right now. We have pretty much since I got pregnant 3 years ago not had any dates. This has for sure put a damper on our relationship. I have told him over and over for the last year we need to have some alone time to be adults and relax and not hear "mommy mommy" over and over. Don't get me wrong, my daughter is my world but we all need a dinner date every once in a while. I am excited actually. I truly don't think we have been to dinner without the kids since I had my daughter. Now to decide where we should go. I am starving right now so just about anywhere would do. I think every relationship needs there time alone to keep things going. Today is also my birthday so it is my birthday dinner too. So the girls are going next door to their aunt and uncles for the evening and we are going to go sit down and have a nice dinner. Can't wait!

Journal entry 5-The terrible twos

July 4th

Wow!! That is what I feel all the time when my two year old is acting like a two year old. People aren't kidding when they say the "terrible two's". I can't believe the attitude she can throw at me. One minute she is this super sweet little girl that loves mommy so much then the next minute she is yelling at me and trying to bite or pinch me. I wonder sometimes what have I done to make her this way. Am I not stern enough? I don't know but when trying to do my daily homework and clean the house and just get through the day she can make it quiet challenging. But I wouldn't trade her super sweet, big hearted moments for anything. She just puts that sweet little smile on her face and tells me "I love you sooo much, mommy!" It melts my heart and makes me smile so big. She has such a big heart when it comes to her big sister. She always when asking for something for herself will ask if Molly (her big sister) can have the same thing. She won't ever let her be left out on anything or from getting anything. She is my super awesome young lady that I am so proud of daily. So I just keep waiting for us to get past this terrible two stage, but I've heard that turning three brings on the "trying three's".

Journal entry 4-Hot dry summer

We need rain!! I am hoping we get some soon. I hate seeing all the yards all dried up and crispy. Everything crunches under your feet as you walk around. This summer heat we have had is a bit ridiculous if you ask me. I have never been one to keep plants alive anyways but all the pretty flowers we planted earlier in the spring are now crispy and and brown. I realize maybe if I watered them they might have some life to them. I have been staying at my parents for a few days down in Arkansas and there is no way I will be spending the 4th of July holiday down here unless it rains. There are burn bans everywhere. So we will have to venture back up to Hollister and spend the holiday at home. I want the kids to be able to enjoy themselves and shoot off fireworks. I hope it isn't too dry and we don't start any fires. We really need that rain though. If we don't get much more rain and everything stays this hot and dry, our fall will not be a very colorful one. I love the fall. That is my absolute favorite time of year. I get so excited to drive and see all the colors on the trees and take lots of pictures of the kids playing outside. We love to take fall hikes. So lets all do a little rain dance and hope we get lots of rain soon.

Journal entry 3-No longer a baby

My baby is no longer a baby. We went this evening and bought her, her first "big girl" bed. I don't think she really realizes it yet that she will be sleeping alone in her own bed. She has always slept with someone. Either her father and I or her big sister. I know, I know we should have started her in her own bed as a baby but I just wanted my baby close to me. Now she is getting big and she rolls around all night and kicks her daddy all night long. Throwing a leg over his head and and kneeing him in the ribs. It's funny because she never rolls my way. So we took that step and went to the mattress store tonight and bought her a nice full size mattress set. Then we went to Target and let her pick out her own bedding set. We haven't set it up yet, so I'm not so sure how the transition will go. We will have to get her a t.v. as well. We seem to be the family that can't go to bed without t.v. So yes it is kind of sad for me to think that my baby is becoming a "big girl" and will be laying down to sleep in her own bed soon. I think she will love it eventually. So I will have to keep everyone up to date on how she likes her new bed.

Journal entry 1-School and life right now

So trying to manage kids and school and whatever life throws me right now is becoming a challenge.  I really want this for me and my daughter so bad. I hope I can do this. Some days I just sit in front of the computer and can't think of a thing to write about. I get so caught up in what I'm supposed to be doing and if I am doing it right. I love reading all these reading Mrs. A gives us. I read some of them and think wow that was some great writing and it made me really think about things and really painted a picture for me. So then I get down to having to do my part and a wall comes up. A big wall. I like reading everyone elses writings. That aways helps me think of ideas of how I should start something out. This can be done I tell myself over and over and over. . . so now it's time to finally get some rest and hope for better thoughts tomorrow.

Journal entry 2-Things that gross me out

I don't even know where to start with this. I am such a germaphobe it is insane. I am just about grossed out by anything that could possibly carry germs. I don't like when people sneeze and don't cover their mouths. I don't like when people go to the restroom and don't wash their hands. I don't like any blood or bodily fluids from other people period. I don't like trash. I don't like wearing shoes in the house and carrying in germs for my children to pick up. I don't like when people don't pick up their dog's poop while walking them. That just leaves a mess for other people to step in. I don't like staying in hotels and sleeping in beds that hundreds of other people have slept in, because I assure you they don't clean them that well. I use to do housekeeping. I don't like to use public restrooms, because people don't seem to know how to be clean about using the restroom. I have my two year old now and am in the process of getting her completely potty trained and it is so hard for me to go into the restrooms when she has to potty. But that really isn't an option when she has to go potty right then. I have always been this way about germs since I was a little girl. It has gotten worse as I have gotten older. And it got even worse when I got pregnant with my daughter. I think about it all the time and hope she doesn't end up doing all the same things I do. It isn't something I enjoy. I feel trapped sometimes because I limit myself to where I will go, so that I don't have to come in contact with germs. So that is my little issue I deal with daily.